MG Asks: Is Watching Porn Cheating on Your Partner?

Porn. It’s the industry that makes more cheddar than Major League Baseball and is unquestionably many American adults’ favorite pastime. And while baseball has definitely ended a relationship or two, porn is a sticking point in countless relationships.

Since it was created, the question looms: is watching porn cheating?

Porn is a fantasy

The first thing everyone must remember about porn is it’s a fantasy. Porn is not real. There are scripts and camera and makeup artists that keep even the most out-of-the-way bodily areas camera ready. Are there really groups of rowdy cheerleaders participating in all-girl orgies every time practice lets out? Probably not. Is every guy that delivers a pizza going to be packing an extra-large pepperoni and is the woman who ordered it never going to have currency on her (I mean, you just ordered the pizza, lady! Pizzas cost money!)? I think not.

But…porn does cue something called mirror neurons which inspire men (not to disclude the ladies, it’s just we don’t get studied as much when it comes to porn) to replicate what they have seen. Porn can influence the way the viewer believes sex “should” be if s/he was exposed to porn early in their sexual development.

The link between porn and cheating

There is no clear line in the sand about watching porn and cheating. There is a 2004 study which found that married people who cheated on their spouses were three times more likely to use pornography than those who didn’t commit adultery. Furthermore, additional studies have also found that men who use porn are more apt to have multiple partners and cheat. This is not to say that women who watch porn do not cheat; women seem to be only 25 percent of the porn watching metric, so porn is less of an issue for women in relationships (allegedly). Correlation, however, is not causation.

When does porn become a problem? Professional relationship counselors and therapists alike agree that porn becomes a problem universally when it becomes secretive. It is the secret that causes the disconnect between partners and has less to do with porn itself.

How to talk about porn and build your own relationship rules

The only rules about porn in a relationship are the ones you make. Through personal experience and tons of research I was able to isolate the five most significant points you may want to headline your porn conversation with:

1. Your feelings about porn and how you use or don’t use it.
2. What you consider cheating – Maybe for you, watching is okay, but anything transactional (like paying money) or interactive (web camera entertainers) is a no-go. Maybe you are 100-percent “no porn ever;” vocalize your feelings.
3. Frequency of porn use – Is your partner a daily porn person or just every once in a while? This does make a dramatic difference according to studies.
4. Watching porn together or separately – Are you open to watching it with your partner or do you feel porn is private?
5. Feelings of inadequacy or as though the fantasy is usurping the reality of your relationship – This often happens if the sex has stopped or experiences long gaps or lacks passion. Also, some people just are insecure and porn can amplify that insecurity for them.

Though there is some evidence that porn may contribute to cheating, remember that all couples need to make their own relationship rules. Just because your bestie is okay with her partner watching porn doesn’t mean you must be and vice-versa.

Build the relationship that is authentic to you and your beloved’s desires and happiness. Those are the only opinions that matter.