Vagina Dialogues: Conversations I’ve Had with My Vagina Over the Years

A woman and her vagina, it is a treasured relationship. Each is different and like other relationships, it can be a bit tricky to navigate the waters at times. There are times you work as a team, and times you seem to be at polar ends of every situation. After talking to many women, I found I wasn’t alone in my vagina dialogues.

Here are just a few of the lighter conversations I’ve had with my best girl:

The Early Years: Ages 0-10

Me: “Why aren’t you on the outside like my brothers?”

V: “Because I am supposed to be on the inside.”

Me: “But why?”

V: “Because boys are dumb.” *

Me: “Boys are dumb.”

Puberty

V: “Ummm…hey. We have a situation down here.”

Me: “What’s up?”

V: “So, I’m not feeling so good. Something is going on. I am feeling kinda…”

Me: “Ugh! Why am I bleeding? What did you do?”

V: “Yeah, sorry about that. I guess you are a woman now. Mazel tov.”

Age 14

V: “So I am starting to get excited over here.”

Me: “Why?”

V: “No clue. Maybe you can just put your hand down here for a second and…”

Me and V: “Ohhhhhh.”

(And that was the theme of the Summer of 1992)

Age 24

Me: “So, V. I am just going to warn you. You are going to have some company again. Try to summon up some enthusiasm.”

V: “You make it difficult to. The last guy to come knocking just kept poking me. The first visitor we had, well, I didn’t even know he was there!”

Me: “Yeah, but this guy is different. He’s a master; I can tell.”

V: “Sure he is.”

Three hours later…

V: “I need some Gatorade and a nap. That was amazing.”

Me: grinning

Age 25 (First time use of a Hitachi Wand)

V: “We never have to go on a date again!”

Me: “Amen, sister. We can save that money for the electricity bill.”

Age 30

Me: “We’re engaged! Now we will never have to be without sex again!”

V: “You maybe wanna rethink that? I am really not impressed with this guy’s skill set. Some parts of the sex are good, but the rest is just passable to boring.”

Me: “No, V! He’s great. It will get even better now because we are going to share a life together.”

V: (shrugs) “We’ll see.”

Age 33

V: “Say it.”

Me: “You were right about him.”

V: “Are you going to listen to me next time?”

Me: “Uh huh.”

Age 34

V: “I really don’t want to do this.”

Me: “All the other vaginas are doing it.”

V: “I am a unique bird. I am an authentic treasure of my own value.”

Me: “It’s just a little warm wax. It will be over in a few minutes.”

V: “It’s scalding! It takes a good 25 minutes!”

Me: “I’d really feel more confident about bringing people to visit you if we do this.”

V: “I do like visitors.”

As time has gone by and I subsequently began to own my sexuality in a big way, our conversations have evolved. Now we talk about things like babies, the merits of Kegels, and keeping things soft. At 40, I check in more for health reasons like any unusual discharge, lengthy periods, and cramping. While they are less entertaining check-ins, they are necessary for vaginal health when I have a huge family history of issues to be vigilant about. That’s not to say there isn’t some fun pre-date pep talks to get things riled up or a nasty fight over a lengthy period. Mostly, she gets the final say.

Please use the comments to add your unique vagina dialogues to the mix!

*The author does not believe that “Boys are dumb” (most of the time), but to be authentic, relayed the musings as mused by her younger self.